Memory Lane – Journey Through The Darkness and Beyond
The fog is thick, I can feel the weight, it’s hard to see the memories, I just want to FREEZE
In the shadows stand the houses of horror.
So much fear of what’s inside, my mind makes a split and decides not to go along for the ride
When I try to push through, the panic comes
but I will conquer the fear, I will not run
I’ll boldly walk forward, nothing can stop me, it’s all over
———–Approximate Ages 0-3————
Security and love are what an infant need, I had my 2 year old brother taking care of me.
Hungry and scared I’m sure I cried, but often only he replied.
Starting out life so dark, as a toddler he knew how to make my milk then get himself a pop tart.
He did a good job taking care of me, then baby brother made three.
Hungry again, the cupboards bare, big Brother had so much to bear.
It’s a miracle we’re alive, the three of us walking down Treat Hwy, an infant, me 3, and him 5
Those basic needs are building blocks, what we need to move on to something new, a faulty foundation makes it all askew,
tear it down and build it up, Source of Life I need your help
————Approximate Age 3-6————–
Oh the things these eyes have seen, such ugly evil schemes
Oh the things these ears have heard, a screech just like a bird
Like a bird trapped in a cage, a screeching bird full of RAGE
Oh the things these hands have touched, poky, smooth, and rough
Oh the things this mind has endured, pain, detachment, no sense of self, secrets must be kept, no cries for help.
The lies, the truth which one is worse, the battle is real, block it out to not feel
Oh the things this body has experienced, frozen in place, stuck and furious.
Ready to fight at the perception of a threat, what will be next
Always stuck in the cycle, fight or flight, begging for balance and peace for just one night
Oh the things this heart has held, the darkness the light, the joy the pain, the love the fear, letting no one near
————Approximate Age 6-9————
In the darkness it seemed so cold, Loneliness was my home
hidden away from the pain and horror of the truth behind the those doors
Anything to protect the system was the job of some,
The protector, cold and hard, barely holding on
Its really an illusion based on lies and false security, you stole my purity
You liked to watch and others knew. How many times did she let you?
You went beyond, you didn’t stop, your depraved self continued to groom, preparing for the bedroom.
Big and scary was how I saw you, but your scrawny and weak, yet you made my life so bleak.
Your desire and lust almost destroyed me, but I’ve taken back my life, as for yours, we’ll see.
You’ve both been exposed for what you are, selfish to the core, selling your children, what a whore.
You can’t beat hate out of a child after all the neglect, and nothing can make up for that.
But it’s ok I’m stronger now, able to see the illusions all around, seeing I don’t need you, there’s no place for you in my life, seeing through all your bullshit, neither of you had the right.
That’s a story that would replay, people taking my rights away.
I never understood, I couldn’t say NO if I did, out came the wood, the piece of 2X4 that made the tears flow.
I remember the knot in that piece of wood tucked away in the drawer, waiting for your rage to come, ready for more.
I’ve wondered what your dad did to you, when I went to his house I’m sure you knew. You knew he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and so did your mother so why did she yell
She yelled at me for throwing up, it was from his nauseating menthol breath and horrifying touch.
Just another pothole on along the journey on these Michigan roads, longing for light, dying for life
———–Approximate Age 9-11————
Cousin Todd was a bit odd and he wasn’t blood at all.
Rarely seen but once in a while we’d have to see his crooked smile.
The look he had when he touched me there was dastardly for sure, and his intent was very clear. He went on to be accused of inappropriate behavior I wasn’t surprised, he is a narcissistic manipulator.
Perhaps if I had told someone those things wouldn’t have happened, but I was taught years before to keep it inside and hide, to detach from my body, completely depersonalize.
You have no idea unless you KNOW the actions of others hurt us so, where did I go? I don’t remember but I’d like to know.
———Approximate age 12-13———–
You dropped us off on that porch one night when no one was home, I had no idea, but it was your plan all along
It was chilly and dark, another nightmare about to start
——-Walks through the park
What a great night, on the way home there’s a little bit of moonlight
Time with friends, no cares in the world, what a fun adventure, but that’s not how this night would end
Danger, Danger ahead, he looks like a giant and wants the grass to be our bed
The alcohol is what I smelled, I don’t know what I yelled Unwanted kisses, pinned on the ground, would anyone hear my sounds
Many parts are not clear, was I frozen? was I fighting? DOES IT MATTER? welcome to my life of fear
His name was Bart and he was well liked, but he had no right Why do men think they do? why do men look at you?
I heard a voice yell STOP but he was still atop
Tracy Derr an angel for sure came running up and he knew how to get tuff
He pushed Bart off we watched him stumble away, In that moment a connection was made, one of love for another that swept the fear away
We never spoke of that night again, and though our paths didn’t cross much we are forever friends.
Today I walked through that park with my headphones on to not hear the crunch of the leaves on the ground. Feel what you feel, know what you know, and let it all go.
Oh the park, it’s almost dark. I’ve made this trip a million times,
What’s that noise? It would appear my senses are on high alert, and there are creepers near
Following in the distance, keeping pace they steadily persist. Danger, Danger, once again, keep it together, keep your head
There’s the bathrooms, I’ll run inside and hide
I can hear them talking, I’m terrified
Shaking in the corner waiting for them to leave, is this really my reality?
I hear another voice, this one I can understand
I think it’s safe to exit now, quiet as a mouse, keep building the fear of man
I have to keep walking. It’s scary, it’ll hurt but pain is not the end
It’s the beginning of something new if you feel it, and release it, but if you keep it inside it will kill you softly, slowly, slithering through your mind coming out as fear, anger, shame & bitterness the same. You can’t block it or stay in your bubble, feel what you feel, and know what you know, then let it all go.
Memories, memories, I know there were good times, it’s just so hard to find them in my mind. The field of snake grass, the willow tree, and fossil hill, Grandma Taylor’s was a place I could be still & free.
The scrambled eggs and chocolate chip cookies were her specialty, she was always so comforting and took good care of me.
But she never knew the secrets I kept, maybe a few but not the depth.
Part of my programming, keep it inside, never tell others and wear your disguise.
Be a good little girl, use all your manors. No elbows on the table, the worthless things that mattered.
Never a kind word out of your mouth, constant berating, I hated myself.
I learned so many lies while in your care, lies about my hair, you called it a rats nest said it was always a mess.
You said I would never be enough I would never measure up, for far too long I believed your lies and stayed in that cycle of hell.
But now I’ve awoke and I can see your jealousy was your hell as well.
I wish you well Linda Lou, and hope to never see you.
Father, Father, what can I say but please stay away. I’ll no longer stay silent your secrets I’ll no longer keep, what you sow you will reap. So watch yourself and what you do, if I find out, I will tell on you.
I know there’s more locked away, but it doesn’t matter, it’s a new day
I saw you the other day, in a normal way
strolling down the grocery store aisle with your denial smile
Three years is a long time to let go, and when I saw you, your just someone I don’t know
I call that freedom to have no ties and to not live under the lies so this is my final goodbye
How many tears can you cry in a day?
How many tears to chase the pain away?
Tears are good they say!
Good for the soul, good for the heart, good to shed the salty sorrow from deep within and find a fresh start
Tears of sorrow, tears of pain, tears of joy, let it rain
Let them stream down your face wherever they land your making space
Space within to fill with jlove, to fill with joy and dreams to come
Feel what you feel and know what you know, then let it all GO
This cleansing flow will not let you down, but, don’t hold it in or you will drown
It’s time to say goodbye to the sorrow and the pain
It’s time to say goodbye and wake up to a new day
It’s time to say goodbye to the familiar ways of fear that keep you chained to a lie that no ones near
Turn instead to the source the source of life of breath of being
It’s time to say hello to the Light
It’s time to let if flood your spirit, soul, mind, and body, and ready you for flight
The fog is changing, its filled with peace and alive with energy, is this finally an end to my lethargy?
I have hope that LOVE will continue to change me from the inside out, LOVE is what it’s all about
Forgiving their deeds and being ok with me, this is me, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly
This journey doesn’t follow a very straight path, it takes detours,
isn’t concerned with hills or sharp s-curves,
sliding along on a sheet of ice back and forth complicating life