Super Blood Wolf Moon

Super Blood Wolf Moon

Sounds so dangerously intriguing doesn’t it? Well, I thought so, that’s why I decided to go to a Super Blood Wolf Moon Women’s Circle…… It was such an uplifting time, much of it was spent writing a new story for ourselves, letting go of the past. I was so excited when I learned this and of course mine came out POEtic!!

I’m a wild one riding the waves, ready to jump into the flames

water & fire can they mix?

Watch me emerge, I am the flame that clears the way, I am the water that flows into each new day

Taking up my space within the earth, awaiting new birth

Flying in the air without a care

Soaring high and low, spiraling around, finding the flow

My hearts at peace with who I am, to anyone with a problem, be damed

I’ve embraced my shadow and let her in, part of the journey of integration

Letting all my parts out with a howling shout, this is me, the good, the bad, the ugly

My song will enchant you and fill you with peace, like a wave from the ocean filled with fiery heat

Dancing with the flames, to others its insane

But I have no fear of the fire, or my own desires

Sexual energy flows through my veins, in the deepest part, I will no longer be ashamed

I am woman hear me roar, this is my story, together with yours, we are numbers too big to ignore!

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Movin On Up!!

I used to be afraid of “CHAKRAS”, I was always taught they were an evil concept, part of a new age religion that was demonic, I know right!

Well, guess what I found while looking at the chakras, their meanings and doing ‘chakra work’? I found that its not evil or demonic, in fact, the whole concept can be seen in other places like the Enneagram, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and even in some religious writings like The Seven Powers of wrath, The Gospel of Mary Magdalene, The Seven Inner Mansions of St. Theresa of Avila, the bible, they are all tools to help us navigate the darkness within, but I had always been taught that evilness was external, outside demons that have to be exercised, making the darkness/shadow an external enemy. In my personal journey through dissociation and detachment this external focus made things worse because I was looking for outside deliverance. One day I started to notice patterns and cycles that followed being triggered and detaching/depersonalizing. When I started seeing these things, I had a choice to stay stuck or do the hard ass work to change. It’s not easy to choose to grow, but how can you follow the ‘primordial spiral upward’ if your stuck in the same cycle over and over again?


Following Maslow’s thought, you have to satisfy the unmet needs in order to move up, but you first have to recognize both your needs and what’s holding you back. Looking for an outward foe keeps us from seeing whats within. Its not a sin nature that has to be purged or pure to keep the demons away, its light and dark within. Its the past neglect, the abuse, and the trauma that haven’t been felt and dealt with, its the lies that we’ve believed about who we are and who we’re supposed to be, the fear, shame, and guilt that we hold inside.

Evil will always look like good, Unless you tame your demons you will never know your angels” Richard Rohr “If my devils are to leave me, I am afraid my angels will take flight as well.” Rainer Maria Rilke “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free” Michelangelo

St Theresa of Avila “I began to think of the soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond” “7 mansions with many rooms God dwells in the innermost mansion.” “All harm comes to us from failing to realize that God is near” “The soul can journey within these mansion to unite itself to God, so as to plant itself, like a tree, in the ‘living waters of life” “the sinner is actually one who doesn’t love themselves enough” 
The journey is the souls essential mission

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In The Gospel of Mary Magadlene, she talks about 7 levels that must be overcome: 19) The first form is darkness, the second desire, the third ignorance, the fourth is the excitement of death, the fifth is the kingdom of the flesh, the sixth is the foolish wisdom of flesh, the seventh is the wrathful wisdom. These are the seven [powers] of wrath.

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Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs starts with the basic needs to survive, and when needs from any level are not met, they hold us back. Recognizing where you are stuck and working through it is how we grow and change.

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Development of the skills and concepts related to each chakra occurs progressively throughout life, in developmental stages just like the hierarchy of needs.

Chakra One: The right to be here and have what we need
Chakra Two: The right to feel
Chakra Three: The right to act, restricted by abusive authority
Chakra Four: The right to love and be loved
Chakra Five: The right to speak and hear truth
Chakra Six: The right to see
Chakra Seven: The right to know

Kerri Butler-Eccentric Creations

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We have so many tools available to us for the journey of going to the dark hard places within. Working through blockages in the chakra system, working through the 7 inner mansions and the 7 levels of wrath, or finding what you missed through the Hierarchy of needs and then there is THE ENNEAGRAM
en·ne·a·gram /ˈenēəˌɡram/ – a nine-sided figure used in a particular system of analysis to represent the spectrum of possible personality types.

The enneagram types personalities based on how your basic needs were met as children, and is extraordinarily correct. Using this tool can help us SEE our patterns or cycles. “The Enneagram is full of wisdom for people who want to get out of their own way and become who they were created to be.” Ian Cron 

So, the journey continues, I can’t wait, won’t you join me? There are several options for taking an initial enneagram test, this is a fast one. https://enneagramtest.net/

Don’t Look Back, Your Not Going That Way

Don’t look back, your not going that way

Don’t look for others to light your way, stoke the fire within and begin this new day

As the fire grows, let it burn up the ties that keep you locked to the lies

Let it burn, let it be kindle and feed the flames, Let it burn, let it surge through your veins,

Your coming alive like never before so let it burn and don’t you dare look back, your not going that way anymore

Expect Nothing

I learned a couple things about expectations this year. The first one came to me when I was getting anxious about something I felt obligated to do, but in reality I didn’t need to or have to, it was another persons expectation that was becoming my obligation, and when I really thought about it I realized that these situations usually end in disappointment. Why do we put ourselves through that?

Don’t let others expectations become your obligations which usually end in disappointments!

The other thing I learned about expectations kind of answers that last question, it was more recent and in connection to letting go of a couple people who have no place in my life anymore. I wanted to let go but at the same time I was still expecting something from them. Expecting them to change, expecting them to do the right thing, expecting them to put me first just once, but as long as I held onto those expectations, I couldn’t truly let go of them and all the baggage.

Don’t let your expectations of others keep you from letting go!!

We almost always have expectations of others don’t we? We expect them to act a certain way, believe a certain way, treat us a certain way. Like everything, expectations come in positives and negatives, what are you bringing to the table? Are you ready to let go? I know I am. I’ve had enough heartache attached to expectations and I can’t continue moving upward while holding on to the extra weight.

Karaoke Dreams?

Singing, making music, creating art, its who I am. I’ve always had a song in my heart and a tune in my head, recently I just had to sing so I went to Karaoke I was a little nervous it had been a while. For the last 16 years I’ve been singing in choirs, on worship teams, leading worship sometimes and I had a lot of great experiences but today I remembered a few that had really been hard to let go of. The church is a funny place sometimes and when people are jealous and intimidated they don’t like to include you. One church actually told me there weren’t enough microphones for me to join the worship team. Well seriously, ok I tried to move on and be a bigger person, and then the pastor asked me one day where I would like to ‘serve’ in the church and I said um worship. He would let me do specials, or have me come up and share a prophetic chorus but his reply to what I had been told by his brother ‘the worship leader’ about there not being enough mics blew me away.

“Yes, they are intimidated by your voice and some of them are jealous, they have a lot of growing to do.”

What do you say to that? at the time I laughed because there was a time when I was younger that I enjoyed intimidating people, it was fun, but I had grown out of that thank god and I was really hurt. Things like this happened over and over again at different churches, and boy, if you can’t sing forget about getting up on stage to worship God, no one wants to hear an off key worship singer right!! Sorry for my judgmental cringe lol

So when I went to Karaoke I was a little anxious, I sat and watched and listened before I committed and a few things really stuck out and helped me step out. Everyone there was having fun, not everyone could sing, no one was excluded, everyone was encouraged, not everyone could sing lol, but seriously, it felt so good to release a song, to feel the energy grow within, to watch it affect others, and remember how to have fun.

I’m definitely planning to go back, maybe I’ll say hi to a few people and make some new friends!

Memory Lane: Journey Through The Darkness

Memory Lane – Journey Through The Darkness and Beyond


The fog is thick, I can feel the weight, it’s hard to see the memories, I just want to FREEZE

In the shadows stand the houses of horror.

So much fear of what’s inside, my mind makes a split and decides not to go along for the ride

When I try to push through, the panic comes

but I will conquer the fear, I will not run

I’ll boldly walk forward, nothing can stop me, it’s all over

———–Approximate Ages 0-3————

Security and love are what an infant need, I had my 2 year old brother taking care of me.

Hungry and scared I’m sure I cried, but often only he replied.  

Starting out life so dark, as a toddler he knew how to make my milk then get himself a pop tart.

He did a good job taking care of me, then baby brother made three.

Hungry again, the cupboards bare, big Brother had so much to bear.

It’s a miracle we’re alive, the three of us walking down Treat Hwy, an infant, me 3, and him 5

Those basic needs are building blocks, what we need to move on to something new, a faulty foundation makes it all askew,

tear it down and build it up, Source of Life I need your help

————Approximate Age 3-6————–

Oh the things these eyes have seen, such ugly evil schemes

Oh the things these ears have heard, a screech just like a bird

Like a bird trapped in a cage, a screeching bird full of RAGE

Oh the things these hands have touched, poky, smooth, and rough

Oh the things this mind has endured, pain, detachment, no sense of self, secrets must be kept, no cries for help.

The lies, the truth which one is worse, the battle is real, block it out to not feel

Oh the things this body has experienced, frozen in place, stuck and furious.

Ready to fight at the perception of a threat, what will be next

Always stuck in the cycle, fight or flight, begging for balance and peace for just one night

Oh the things this heart has held, the darkness the light, the joy the pain, the love the fear, letting no one near

————Approximate Age 6-9————

In the darkness it seemed so cold, Loneliness was my home

hidden away from the pain and horror of the truth behind the those doors

Anything to protect the system was the job of some,

The protector, cold and hard, barely holding on

Its really an illusion based on lies and false security, you stole my purity

You liked to watch and others knew. How many times did she let you?

You went beyond, you didn’t stop, your depraved self continued to groom, preparing for the bedroom.

Big and scary was how I saw you, but your scrawny and weak, yet you made my life so bleak.

Your desire and lust almost destroyed me, but I’ve taken back my life, as for yours, we’ll see.

You’ve both been exposed for what you are, selfish to the core, selling your children, what a whore.

You can’t beat hate out of a child after all the neglect, and nothing can make up for that.

But it’s ok I’m stronger now, able to see the illusions all around, seeing I don’t need you, there’s no place for you in my life, seeing through all your bullshit, neither of you had the right.

That’s a story that would replay, people taking my rights away.

I never understood, I couldn’t say NO if I did, out came the wood, the piece of 2X4 that made the tears flow.                   

I remember the knot in that piece of wood tucked away in the drawer, waiting for your rage to come, ready for more.

I’ve wondered what your dad did to you, when I went to his house I’m sure you knew. You knew he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, and so did your mother so why did she yell

She yelled at me for throwing up, it was from his nauseating menthol breath and horrifying touch.

Just another pothole on along the journey on these Michigan roads, longing for light, dying for life

———–Approximate Age 9-11————

Cousin Todd was a bit odd and he wasn’t blood at all.

Rarely seen but once in a while we’d have to see his crooked smile.

The look he had when he touched me there was dastardly for sure, and his intent was very clear. He went on to be accused of inappropriate behavior I wasn’t surprised, he is a narcissistic manipulator.

Perhaps if I had told someone those things wouldn’t have happened, but I was taught years before to keep it inside and hide, to detach from my body, completely depersonalize.

You have no idea unless you KNOW the actions of others hurt us so, where did I go? I don’t remember but I’d like to know.


———Approximate age 12-13———–

You dropped us off on that porch one night when no one was home, I had no idea, but it was your plan all along

It was chilly and dark, another nightmare about to start

——-Walks through the park

What a great night, on the way home there’s a little bit of moonlight

Time with friends, no cares in the world, what a fun adventure, but that’s not how this night would end

Danger, Danger ahead, he looks like a giant and wants the grass to be our bed

The alcohol is what I smelled, I don’t know what I yelled Unwanted kisses, pinned on the ground, would  anyone hear my sounds

Many parts are not clear, was I frozen? was I fighting? DOES IT MATTER? welcome to my life of fear

His name was Bart and he was well liked, but he had no right Why do men think they do? why do men look at you?

I heard a voice yell STOP but he was still atop

Tracy Derr an angel for sure came running up and he knew how to get tuff

He pushed Bart off we watched him stumble away, In that moment a connection was made, one of love for another that swept the fear away

We never spoke of that night again, and though our paths didn’t cross much we are forever friends.

Today I walked through that park with my headphones on to not hear the crunch of the leaves on the ground. Feel what you feel, know what you know, and let it all go.

Another day

Oh the park, it’s almost dark. I’ve made this trip a million times,

What’s that noise? It would appear my senses are on high alert, and there are creepers near

Following in the distance, keeping pace they steadily persist. Danger, Danger, once again, keep it together, keep your head

There’s the bathrooms, I’ll run inside and hide

I can hear them talking, I’m terrified

Shaking in the corner waiting for them to leave, is this really my reality?

I hear another voice, this one I can understand

I think it’s safe to exit now, quiet as a mouse, keep building the fear of man

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I have to keep walking. It’s scary, it’ll hurt but pain is not the end

It’s the beginning of something new if you feel it, and release it, but if you keep it inside it will kill you softly, slowly, slithering through your mind coming out as fear, anger, shame & bitterness the same. You can’t block it or stay in your bubble, feel what you feel, and know what you know, then let it all go.

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Memories, memories, I know there were good times, it’s just so hard to find them in my mind. The field of snake grass, the willow tree, and fossil hill, Grandma Taylor’s was a place I could be still & free.

The scrambled eggs and chocolate chip cookies were her specialty, she was always so comforting and took good care of me.

But she never knew the secrets I kept, maybe a few but not the depth.

Part of my programming, keep it inside, never tell others and wear your disguise.

Be a good little girl, use all your manors. No elbows on the table, the worthless things that mattered.

Never a kind word out of your mouth, constant berating, I hated myself.

I learned so many lies while in your care, lies about my hair, you called it a rats nest said it was always a mess.

You said I would never be enough I would never measure up, for far too long I believed your lies and stayed in that cycle of hell.

But now I’ve awoke and I can see your jealousy was your hell as well.

I wish you well Linda Lou, and hope to never see you.

Father, Father, what can I say but please stay away. I’ll no longer stay silent your secrets I’ll no longer keep, what you sow you will reap. So watch yourself and what you do, if I find out, I will tell on you.

I know there’s more locked away, but it doesn’t matter, it’s a new day


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I saw you the other day, in a normal way

strolling down the grocery store aisle with your denial smile

Three years is a long time to let go, and when I saw you, your just someone I don’t know

I call that freedom to have no ties and to not live under the lies so this is my final goodbye

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How many tears can you cry in a day?

How many tears to chase the pain away?

Tears are good they say!

Good for the soul, good for the heart, good to shed the salty sorrow from deep within and find a fresh start

Tears of sorrow, tears of pain, tears of joy, let it rain

Let them stream down your face wherever they land your making space

Space within to fill with jlove, to fill with joy and dreams to come

Feel what you feel and know what you know, then let it all GO

This cleansing flow will not let you down, but, don’t hold it in or you will drown

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It’s time to say goodbye to the sorrow and the pain

It’s time to say goodbye and wake up to a new day

It’s time to say goodbye to the familiar ways of fear that keep you chained to a lie that no ones near

Turn instead to the source the source of life of breath of being

It’s time to say hello to the Light

It’s time to let if flood your spirit, soul, mind, and body, and ready you for flight

The fog is changing, its filled with peace and alive with energy, is this finally an end to my lethargy?

I have hope that LOVE will continue to change me from the inside out, LOVE is what it’s all about

Forgiving their deeds and being ok with me, this is me, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly

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This journey doesn’t follow a very straight path, it takes detours,

isn’t concerned with hills or sharp s-curves,

sliding along on a sheet of ice back and forth complicating life


What if ?

I didn’t plan for this piece to have so much texture, its fluid art after all. So what happened? some of my paint was not the right consistency, thick paint doesn’t flow and it cracks which is how it relieves the stress that the paint is under as its trying to move around the canvas, trying to even itself out before it dries. I never once thought about throwing it out, I wouldn’t call it damaged or a mistake. This piece has its own unique beauty because of the cracks and texture, its beautiful and amazing. What if I had thrown it out, what if I had painted over it, what if?

Earlier this week I was thinking about “mental illness” specifically diagnoses of detachment, dissociation, ptsd, and de-personalization. These are ways that our brains cope with situations that could possibly destroy us otherwise, they relieve the stress. So why is it illness? I think the strength my mind has is beautiful and amazing, the ability to keep going under the most horrifying circumstances, to detach from emotion. What if this is a gift not an illness, what if we can learn to use these tools of the mind for wholeness, what if we could see the beauty in all things, what if we could see the beauty in all people, what if?